I Won’t Be Disposable

I culled half my social media friend list yesterday and boy do I feel good about it. The Director asked me yet another question I’d already answered in my typed-up dummie’s guide to do what he needed to do. I even highlighted it red yet he couldn’t see it / read it / understand it. What the eff?

He didn’t read the email because he knew if he just sent me a message, I’d do it for him. He knows that if he asked anything of me, I’d probably do it because I care about him. I told him I had feelings for him. I asked for the opportunity to make things right for him, to prove I wasn’t crazy, to prove I was sorry for the somewhat bullshit way I’d acted too. He knew I’d do anything for him. But not this time.

Instead I blocked him. I blocked him, removed him from every social media site, removed myself as admin from the various pages and sites I’d been helping him with and silently sloped off. Fuck him. I don’t care if he’s mad at me. He’s blocked now. I won’t see his angrily typed messages anyway.

I did hours and hours and hours of work for a man I’d been so besotted with, for free, nothing in return. He wouldn’t even spare me the time to go for dinner. He wouldn’t even show me the respect to say no instead stringing me along shamelessly.

All because I let him. 

I agreed to work for free. I agreed to do it after we’d parted ways. I slept with him. I fucked it all up. I accept that. I apologised for that. I tried to make it right. He “thought about it” for so long, I wound myself up and made the decision for him. Perhaps that was his plan from the beginning? But that, ladies and gentlemen, is a man who isn’t worthy of my friendship, my money, my time, anything.

I kept letting that man take the piss out of me. I keep letting people take the piss out of me. The Dom, he’s no better. That’s another story for another day perhaps…. But he’s gone too.

I had found myself a little POF crush, a Geordie soldier boy (I know…) and a cute one at that. For a few days we chatted, exchanging numbers, organising our first date for when he came back from his travels around the 10th Feb. We’d met at the ‘wrong time’ because he was going on his holibobs. For days, he hadn’t been online on POF and he told me he wanted to hurry up and meet me, we had so much in common, we could chat for hours… And then he was online.

My profile is hidden (because I still can’t find the damn delete button) but his isn’t. He sent me a WhatsApp message jokingly asking me to hurry up and meet him so he could take himself away from POF to which I replied (jokingly) “I’m sure you’re loving the attention!” 

His response killed my crush. He’s only talking to other women to pass the time. He only wants to date me, not them, but if it doesn’t work with me, he’ll try one of them after. Lining them up.

Now I know that’s what dating is all about – meeting people, going out for dinner, getting to know them, sometimes dating them for a while and sometimes never seeing them again, but there was something about the way he said it that really… Well, turned me off quite frankly. It was an instant ‘oh no’ moment.

He made women seem so disposable and he knew he shouldn’t have said it quite the way he did because he admitted as much afterwards. I didn’t respond for the rest of the night and when he messaged me the next day I just replied with, “Hey look, it was nice chatting but I don’t think we’re compatible. Happy fishing!”

I don’t have time for that. I don’t want to be completely disposable. I don’t want to be made to feel like that. I’m a woman. I get emotional about stuff. I get hurt about stuff. Words affect me. If you make me feel disposable, I’m not going to feel good about it and that’s what all of these men have done. They have made me feel completely disposable. It’s okay, there’ll be another one coming along shortly, just like a train.

I’m determined to make 2016 a great year for me and although I’m super mad at The Dom right now for also making me feel completely disposable, he did say some sensible things throughout our whatever-it-was. I need to grow up. I need to stop letting men have control over my life. I need to start getting rid of old baggage.

So that’s what I’ve done. Culled. The Geordie guy, The Director, The Dom and a few others too. I’m never going to have a great future if I’m still holding on to all that shit from my past.

Check me out – I’m evolving! 

I won’t be disposable and you shouldn’t put up with it too!